A mother who chose to be single has a baby with Down syndrome, "I thought I picked Matthew, but he p

"I've been single for most of my adult life, but I've never given up on getting married.

But as I got closer to 40 and then turned 40, I started to wonder if I would ever have kids. I knew that my chances were getting less likely as I got older, and I wasn't sure if I still had what it took at my age.

With thanks to Michele Elizaga

Halfway through my fortieth year, I went to my best friend's house for a drink of wine and a much-needed catch-up on life as we knew it. At the end of our talk, she said something that I would never have expected her to say...

You can become a mother.

And these words brought up something so deep inside me that I couldn't do anything but cry...she went on to say,

"You don't need to get married."

Then I had to hear something else...

"You won't be alone, either."

So I cried even more...Afterwards, she said,

"You can have your own," he said.

At this point, I was crying and didn't know where I was. So much so that I had to ask, "What are you saying?" Because, in reality, she sounded like she was saying a different language. I had never thought about any of this, so it all seemed so strange to me. But I couldn't ignore how her words spoke to the deepest part of my heart, no matter how strange it seemed. Not only that, but I didn't care much about kids before this. Many women have known since they were little that they were going to be moms, but I never felt that way.

So, the next morning, I woke up thinking about having a baby and was determined to take the steps to become a single mother, even though I had a lot of questions and fears...

I, a single mother?!

Can I 1) try to have a baby and 2) take care of a baby?

Could I deal with being sad if it didn't happen?

How am I going to meet anyone now?

What will other people say about me?!

DO I REALLY WANT TO DO THIS?!?!

The first step was to look up and make an appointment with a fertility expert. The fertility doctor said, "You should buy more than one vial of sperm and plan for more than one cycle." I said, "But I only have enough for one vial, and I really believe it will happen." So he said, "Okay, but do you know how likely it is that you will get pregnant the first time?" Only 20% of healthy couples will get pregnant on their first try.And he never told me what my chances were, and I never asked. Since then, I've looked it up on Google and found that for a woman of 40, it's less than 5%.

I bought one vial because I wanted to stick to my means and my faith. But the journey almost ended before I ordered sperm online because I couldn't find a donor that felt right to me. After reading about other women's experiences, I chose to find a Filipino donor so that my baby would look most like me and people wouldn't say things like, "They must get that from their father." There weren't a lot of choices for what I was looking for, which was too bad. So, I picked a healthy donor who had the most in common with me, the best reason to donate, and seemed like a good person in general. I thought about how I would explain my decision to my child one day.

The donor I chose was a police officer who helped people in his neighborhood. He had also served his country in the Air Force. He was most proud of raising his children, and it seemed like a good reason for him to give money to help people who wouldn't be able to have kids otherwise. I should also say that the pictures of him when he was a young boy that were posted on the website were pretty darn cute. pictures of him now are not posted to protect his privacy.

I was ready for an intrauterine insemination (IUI) because I had one tube of sperm and the first tests and labs came back good. For a better chance of success, the fertility expert told me to take a drug that would make me make more eggs. But I thought my first test results were good, and I didn't want more drugs, so I said no. I could tell that he wasn't happy, but I had to trust my gut.

When it was finally time for the intrauterine insemination (IUI), I was given a prescription and directions for a "trigger shot," which is a flood of hormones that would make me ovulate so that the IUI could be done at the best time. I couldn't say no this time. I had to do what the doctor told me to do, but I prayed that if there was a better way, let it be.

When the results of the blood test to see where I was in my cycle came back, they showed that I was about to ovulate. I got a call from the office to come back in right away so we could do the IUI. This was a very easy process that took less than ten minutes, and I was given a date to take a pregnancy test at home.

With thanks to Michele Elizaga

I chose to take the test a day early and woke up at 3 a.m. on the day of the test. I needed to go to the bathroom, so I figured this was my chance. I took the test out of the pink box and did what it said to do. Within seconds, I could see two lines.

I sat there in shock for a while, and when I finally stood up, I fell to my knees in the bathroom and thanked God. Before I noticed it was evening in the Philippines, where my parents live, it was too early to call anyone. They had no idea what I was trying to do, so it was an interesting exchange. I didn't tell them because I wasn't sure if they would like it, and I didn't want them to share my sadness if it didn't work out.

So, here's a rough outline of what was said...

I said, "I have some news..."

They said "Yes?"

Me: "First of all, I want you to know that I'm still single and haven't been with anyone...but I'm pregnant.'

Once they got over how surprised they were, they were happy for me. From there, I told my sisters and then my best friends. Over the next few weeks, I made so many phone calls and told so many people.

Now that I was pregnant, I was sure I was going to have a girl, which was a bit of a surprise because I always thought I would have two boys. I also thought I would be married. So, when I heard I could take a test as early as 10 weeks to find out the gender of my baby, I was all in. My Nurse Practitioner told me that the results would be back in about a week.

I didn't hear anything for a week.

I got a voice mail after a week and a half. The medical assistant asked me to call back to make an appointment to come into the office. And I felt my heart drop. I knew it wasn't the whole story. The thing is, I wasn't worried at all that it would be true. I was still happy about beating the chances of IUI, so I didn't worry about what the test was really looking for, which were genetic conditions.

Courtesy of Michele Elizaga

Driving to the appointment later that day, I was filled with anxiety that I would learn my 𝑏𝑎𝑏𝑦 wasn’t going to make it. Upon arrival, my nerves had calmed, and I was brought back to the room where I patiently waited for my Nurse Practitioner, who I had been seeing for nearly fifteen years. She entered with a smile on her face. I smiled back and immediately asked, ‘is everything okay?’ Her smile quickly changed as she shook her head and said, ‘no.’ I immediately got up to meet her, and we embraced while I bawled and through tears finally asked, ‘what is it?’ She said, ‘Down syndrome.’

When I could finally take a break from the tears, we sat down and she held the results in front of me which showed a 9/10 chance for Down syndrome and also, I was having a boy. With further shock I said through tears, ‘It’s a boy?’ Because we had such a long-standing relationship, she knew me well enough to know the question did not even have to be asked of whether or not I was keeping him. And she shared most babies with a chromosomal variation like Down syndrome don’t make it to 12 weeks, and my 𝑏𝑎𝑏𝑦 did.

She said, ‘he’s a fighter.’ And fight is what he has done in the face of every obstacle that has come his way, and I know he will only continue to do.

I had hopes to have a natural 𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡 in a 𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡 center and while the ultrasounds leading up to his 𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡 didn’t show any immediate concerns, I felt it was best to deliver him in a hospital. I chose a midwife for my prenatal care and she knew my desire was for a natural 𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡 so she did all she could to support that. At my 39-week appointment, I was not at all dilated and because of the high risk of my pregnancy due to my age and the likelihood of my 𝑏𝑎𝑏𝑦 having Down syndrome, it was not advised for me to go beyond my due date. I was scheduled to start the process to induce at the hospital and my best friend accompanied me for the 4:30 a.m. check-in that day.

Courtesy of Michele Elizaga

Labor was full of ups and downs. Things weren’t progressing, then they were progressing. My 𝑏𝑎𝑏𝑦’s heart rate was okay then it would drop. A natural 𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡 seemed to be on the horizon and then suddenly a c-section was scheduled. While waiting for the c-section, I dilated to 9 cm and by this time my younger sister and two best friends were all in place to help me deliver my 𝑏𝑎𝑏𝑦. I did have an epidural so I was using all my might to push without really feeling anything until next thing I knew, I’m being rushed to an operating room while gripping my best friend’s hand asking her ‘Am I about to lose my 𝑏𝑎𝑏𝑦?’

Courtesy of Michele Elizaga

I later learned Matthew’s heart rate was dropping while I was pushing so they had to make the hard and fast call to quickly get him out via emergency c-section. Unfortunately, I had to be placed under general anesthesia, so I woke in the operating room without my 𝑏𝑎𝑏𝑦.

Matthew was rushed to the NICU because he required oxygen support so it wasn’t until nearly 5 hours after his 𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡 we would meet in the NICU while I was still nauseous and still feeling some of the negative effects of the anesthesia. While it wasn’t what I had hoped, it was the sweetest reunion and there was nothing like holding this little 𝑏𝑎𝑏𝑦 that grew inside of me.

Courtesy of Michele Elizaga

I spent four days recovering from the c-section and going up and down between the postpartum floor and the NICU to visit with my 𝑏𝑎𝑏𝑦. When it was time to leave, I believe my body went numb to protect me from the deep grief of leaving the hospital without him. But I didn’t miss a day of visiting over the course of seven weeks and then advocated for his transfer to the Children’s Hospital for a consult that resulted in a much-needed surgery. He stayed at that NICU for another week and a half. I never thought I would make it through this time, but I am here to say, I did.

Courtesy of Michele Elizaga

Matthew is four and half months old and has now been home longer than he was in the NICU. But I also had to go back to working full-time after being home with him for just one month. I’ve never been so physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted yet, I have never felt more empowered and whole.

Courtesy of Michele Elizaga

A chaplain came to visit us during Matthew’s stay in the NICU and he shared the most beautiful anecdote. He told me ‘our souls are given a glimpse of this life upon entering it, with the choice to say yes or no.’ He said, ‘Matthew saw he would have Down syndrome and all these health conditions. But he also saw he would be loved by you. You would be his mom, so he said yes.’ The whole time, I thought I chose Matthew, but knowing he chose me has been the greatest source of my strength. Matthew has pulled a strength out of me I never knew I had and made me love like I never knew I could. The joy he continually brings to my heart feels like a dream.

Courtesy of Michele Elizaga

I’m still new to all of this but suffice to say, single parenting is not for the faint of heart. Nor is having a 𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘥 with special needs. But Matthew choosing me has been the greatest gift I have ever received.”

Courtesy of Michele Elizaga

This story was submitted to Love What Matters by Michele Elizaga. You can follow her on Instagram. Do you have a similar experience? We’d like to hear your important journey. Submit your own story here. Be sure to subscribe to our free email newsletter for our best stories, and YouTube for our best videos.

Read more amazing stories of single mom journeys here:

‘We have to deliver this 𝑏𝑎𝑏𝑦 immediately.’ Everything went black.’: Single mom goes unconscious during 𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡, wakes up to ask, ‘Who is this 𝑏𝑎𝑏𝑦?,’ after life-threatening HELLP syndrome diagnosis

‘I was 20, got drugged, 𝓈ℯ𝓍ually assaulted and pregnant. ‘Why did you keep the 𝑏𝑎𝑏𝑦?’ Well, this 𝑏𝑎𝑏𝑦 was a MIRACLE.’: Single mom overcomes abusive relationship to find her ‘prince charming’

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17,897 Shares Tweet Email c-section, Down syndrome, downs, family, fertility, fertility doctor, infertility, IUI, IVF, kids with special needs, labor, love, Love What Matters, mom, Mom Life, mother, motherhood, NICU, Parent, parenting, preemie, pregnancy, single mom, single mom by choice, special needs, trigger shot, ultrasound ‘I can’t decide if I want a 𝑏𝑎𝑏𝑦! I’ll ruin my career,’ my friend messaged. I was brutally honest.’: Woman ‘mourns’ loss of life pre-motherhood, ‘I gave up a lot, but I gained so much more’‘This year, that cute little Woody wants to be a murderous clown for Halloween. This is breaking me.’: Mom emotional over kids growing up, ‘Pretty soon she won’t want to go at all’

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